Shifting with the journey

You're not dating anybody? You're ain’t married yet? You still single?! Why are you still single? Questions and statements that singles typically get when they are out and about at family functions, church gatherings and sometimes even at the store. It’s insane like it's a crime to be single or solo sometimes. This is not right. I have been approached numerous times by loved ones I visit, church family, even strangers asking me why or try to figure out why am I single? Instead of embracing a thought that maybe it is a choice for me to be single, I typically get opinions of why I am in this single state. “ You know your personality is really strong, or you know sometimes you like to take over and be in control of things to much, your too boisterous, or you know this or you know that” so what I am here is because of who I am and how I was created I am single, because of my unique personality, or choosing to voice an opinion instead of being passive, very interesting. I believe that all these things are single shaming.

 It’s a term I coined for the action of making singles feel guilty and attaching a negative stigma for opting the decision to remain single. This is something that has happened to men and women alike, more so women (of course). The strong verbal suggestion and pleading for women to get married has been happening for generations. Especially between elderly women and younger women, and mothers to their daughters, prevalent in a majority of cultures around the world as well. To be in your twenties especially thirties and forties and not married is still taboo. Society has taught us that if a woman has not been married by a certain age that there is something wrong with her. This is so far from the truth however it is the mentality of a lot of people. So much so this idea that has continued for generations. (how crazy is that?). How is it that a woman who is genuinely happy to be single, who loves her life, appreciates her body, is busy enjoying and building her career and/ or dreams, living life and traveling can also be shamed for not being married or having kids?  This is not okay. Ironically my Haitian parents who implemented lekol, leglize, lakay, translation church, school, and home plus NO dating, are now constantly asking my sister and I about a husband and kids. Like, don’t you know you kept us from dating which affected these results you are now bombarding me about??

I recall going back home to Brooklyn N.Y. I visited my old church and had an older woman come up to me asking me why am I not married yet? My response as a young 20 something women was “I do not know, I just haven't found the right guy yet” (awkward smile). Now in my 30’s looking back on that conversation, I realized I was nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment & should've been honest. Do not get me wrong I wanted to be married ( and still do) but my motives were wrong. Back then I wanted to be what is now called booed up, I just wanted a male body, who just wanted me and sex was a factor as well (duh). It wasn't to be in full-time, forever building towards our future committed partnership & marriage with someone in a binding physical and spiritual contract. As a matter of fact, as I think back, I realize my twenties and most women's twenties were and (in my opinion should be) for growth, development, and discovery of who you are. Obviously, there are some exceptions to the rule which is fine and welcomed.

What does it matter if you are single at any age, why should this shaming be okay? I know of philanthropist, writers, actors, and professors who all perfected their talents sent it out into the world, became well known or widely famous yet were still seen as inadequate due to not being married. In some instances, they were shamed for having everything but "what mattered most" a spouse and kids. Even in Hollywood, there is a stigma and a disappointment towards celebrities who have chosen to remain single. There are many celebrities who are happily unwedded and content some include Jennifer Aniston, Tyra Banks, Shamar Moore, Diane Keaton, and Sanaa Lathen to name a few.   Leonardo was quoted on the today show as saying "it's gonna happen when it's gonna happen" in response to a reporter asking when will he get married. Even the well-acclaimed actress Diane Keaton has been asked numerous times by reporters how does she feel about being married, her response to one summed up my blog in a nutshell   "I don't think that because I'm not married it's made my life any less. That old maid myth is garbage"(Diane Keaton's Giving Up on Men February 26, 2011, at the Wayback Machine., WENN, July 2, 2001. Retrieved March 21, 2006).  Can I just say yassss Diane!!!!

Single shamming happens in every industry, circle, and family to some degree; it's time for a change. How about we cease the shaming with dialogue? When someone decides to ask you why are you single? why don't you have kids? or when are you getting married? Counter ask :

• What is the rush?

My point is marriage though lovely and beautiful is best in its time and if it happens, it is a fact that it not for everyone. Pressuring someone into marriage will only breed resentment and pressure to then have kids, soon buy a house then move to a nicer neighborhood and the cycle continues. Alongside feeling shamed and inefficient for not having those things in place and on someone else's timeline. ITS NOT HEALTHY! We as happy empowered singles can change the narrative, not by arguing or matching single shaming with insults but rather enlightening those who have forgotten the joys of being able to come and go as you please, enjoying life on your terms with heavenly guidance if you choose and no pressures of a spouse or unmet expectations of another person lingering on your conscious. 

Know Him Know You,

  Jessica